BJ Fogg, an instructor at Stanford, shares the idea that you can change by focusing on making super tiny changes instead of big ones, and then celebrating.
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Please share your thoughts about tiny habits in the reply area below.
The now infamous Ashley Madison website was a trap for men. If you haven’t heard of the website, it allowed people to arrange extra-marital affairs. Most of the users were male. Of the female users, many were fake. And then some hackers stole the information of people who had signed up, and posted their data online.1
Perhaps some people signed up on the site out of curiosity. Others, perhaps were in bad marriages or looking for excitement. Others may have been sex addicts or men who looked at porn.
Shaunti Feldhahn, has said, “The hard truth is that porn reels in men who would have never set out to devastate their wives and families.”2 Those who visited Ashley Madison may have naively told themselves that they weren’t hurting anyone. But just as with porn, they were already on the road to destroying themselves and their families.
Now, with the users of Ashley Madison posted online for all to search, individuals and families can be publically shamed. Wives may have to deal with their husband’s betrayal, not in private, but with friends and family knowing of the infidelity.
The good news is, this may also be an opportunity for healing and positive change. With secrets acts put in the open, perhaps the men and women who violated trust and vows will now have the motivation and help to make things right. If any of them are addicted to porn or sex, hopefully now they will seek the help they need.
Porn, sex addiction, and adultery hurt both the person participating in them and those who love them. Get help now. Call Paradise Creek Recovery immediately at (855) 442-1912. Call Paradise Creek Recovery immediately at (855) 442-1912. We can help you or your loved one discover hope and heal.
Sources:
1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ashley_Madison
2. Shaunti Feldhahn, http://www.christianitytoday.com/edstetzer/2015/september/ashley-madison-exposes-more-than-just-names-men-and-women-h.html
For most of us it’s difficult to admit we have an addiction. Our natural tendency is to push off the obvious signs and evidence that occur with compulsive behaviors. Often times, someone that develops an addiction to pornography or other sexual behaviors suffer with the unfortunate loss of loved ones, falls into financial woes, and then unintentionally develops uncharacteristic mood swings that eventually severs them from their normal activities.
If you feel that you have an addiction to pornography or other sexual behaviors, these are some signs to watch for:
If you relate to three or more behaviors listed in the above criteria, it is important to seek treatment. Pornography and sexual behaviors can be clearly defined as psychological or emotional addiction. Dependencies for these compulsive behaviors grow uncontrollable and quickly become detrimental to an individual’s life.
Getting to the root of sexual and porn addiction comes from years of study from Dr. Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in sexual addiction research and the treatment for it. He explains that an addiction to pornography contains four core beliefs. These are the results of most sexual addicts:
Dr. Carnes further explains that most addictions to sex or pornography start in childhood due to the lack of human care. Sexual addiction becomes confused with basic comforting and nurturing development and the subject will continue engaging in this negative behavior until it has grown into an addiction. As a result, they soon learn to depend on these feelings and develop compulsive sexual behaviors, acting on sexual impulses without regard to the consequences they create.
As more time passes, the person may develop other forms of sexual addiction. Some of those lead to substance abuse, dominance, control, or the abuse of a partner. Sexual activities can vary in a wide range‒ from very limited sexual activity all the way to a collection of sexual paraphernalia and encounters that includes high levels of fantasy.
Shame and secrecy most often accompanies the sex addict. These addictions cannot foster healthy relationships and have negative consequences. The ability to enjoy sex becomes impossible as the typical addict appears to have no control over these impulses. A sexual appetite grows exponentially until they will let nothing stand in the way of their sexual needs being fulfilled.
Like any compulsive behavior left untreated, it will continue to grow out of control. For those who feel like they have imprisoned their emotional power towards sexual behaviors, finding treatment to renew inner-beliefs and strengthen one’s ability to address the problem is just one step away.
In this TED talk, Journalist Johann Hari questions the real cause of addiction. Having a family history of addiction, he realized that he lacked answers to questions like: "What really causes addiction? Why do we carry on with this approach that doesn't seem to be working? Is there a better way out there that we can try instead?" So he went in search of answers, travelling thousands of miles and talking to a variety of people. What was his conculsion? "Almost everything we think we know about addiction is wrong."
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Please share your thoughts about Johann Hari's talk in the comments below.
The criterion to screen addictive/compulsive behavior is “loss of freedom to choose whether or not to engage in a behavior (compulsively), continuation of the behavior despite adverse consequences related to the behavior (consequences, and obsession with the behavior” (Cooper, 2002, p. 148). There are various behaviors that can be considered sexually compulsive or addictive. These include masturbation, repeated affairs, pornography, cyber sex, phone sex, multiple anonymous partners, unsafe sexual activity, objectification, strip clubs, prostitution, voyeurism, exhibitionism, and other paraphilias.
Patrick Carnes, a leading researcher in the sexual addiction field, in 1991 did a study in which he stated that 3-6% of the general population has a problem with sex addiction (Ragan, et al, 2000, p. 164). This is a significant amount of people.
Sharon Nathan said “What appears undeniable is that there are people who are troubled by a sense that they cannot curb, control, or modify their sexual behavior, even when they are aware of the negative, social, medical, and or financial consequences that attend their inability to do so” (Ragan, et al, 2000, p. 162). Consequences include legal problems, isolation and loneliness, neglect of family and friends, financial problems occupational impairments, STI’s, shame, and anxiety. In a study by Donald Black, M.D. et al, 36 subjects who reported sexually compulsive behavior were asked the question “Why they felt their sexual thoughts, behaviors, or urges were a problem? 61% listed guilt, 47% listed feedback from others, 14% listed health problems, 11% listed financial consequences, and 8% listed the amount of time consumed” (Black et al, 1997, p. 247).
A process addiction is when a person is addicted to a process rather than a substance ingested in their body.
Sexual addiction is a way of coping with depression, anxiety, or any other uncomfortable emotion. “The addiction is an altered state of consciousness in which “normal” sexual behavior pales by comparison in terms of excitement and relief from troubles” (Carnes, 2001). There are not many things that can compete with the immediate gratification and pleasure the one feels while sexually acting out. It then becomes a cycle, in which the addict feels emotionally uncomfortable and relieves the discomfort with temporary relief and pleasure. Patrick Carnes said “within the addictive system, sexual experience becomes the reason for being, the primary relationship for the addict” (2001). Sexual addiction is lonely. It is a place of toxic shame and worthlessness.
Sexual addiction becomes a person’s automatic response to any kind of uncomfortable emotions or stress. The goal of treatment is to bring an automatic or unconscious response to awareness and find a new corrective process to deal with stress. This takes time but there is hope. The person must make the decision everyday to engage in recovery and find new ways of soothing. The condition for healing is created by following the principals of consistency, duration, and frequency. Every time an individual chooses to engage in something healthy rather than their addiction, they are changing. As they make these choices consistently, frequently, and for a period of time, they heal. Treatment includes concepts of toxic shame, empathy, relationships, forgiveness, healthy sexuality, relapse prevention, stress management, and emotional regulation. Treatment is a comprehensive look at the person’s life to help make lasting change.
We have learned (through working with hundreds of individuals through the years), that there is more to acting out than meets the eye. Often times, acting out is simply labeled as being immoral or bad behavior. While these synonyms may apply, it is important to look at the meaning of the acting out. If an individual is going to gain control of the addictive (acting out) behaviors, the function that the behaviors serve must be uncovered. In virtually every individual we have treated, acting out, what ever its form, serves the purpose of assisting individuals in mood altering from negative mood states, or helping them to avoid looking at and (dealing with) painful aspects of their life.
When acting out takes place, a number of processes within the mind and body are activated. Among them is the psycho-physiological process. When an individual acts out, he can cognitively focus on something else which prevents him from having to focus on the negative aspects of his life. This provides psychological relief. In addition, when some one acts out, a cascade of neurotransmitters are released throughout the brain. Specifically, dopamine is released at an intense rate into a part of the brain called the nucleus accumbens or the pleasure center of the brain. This is the part of the brain that is reinforced when an individual engages in life sustaining/perpetuating activities such as eating, drinking, or sexual behaviors. As the dopamine is released into this part of the brain the individual experiences a sense of euphoria and well being. This is the physiological pay off of acting out.
In order to stop the acting out, this process must be identified and the individual must acknowledge those things he is trying to avoid so they can be dealt with head on, and hence, eliminate the need for acting out.
When a person struggles with love and relationship addiction they become addicted to the initial infatuation and excitement that comes from meeting someone new. The love and relationship addict crave the rush that comes from meeting someone new. Therefore, when the relationship is no longer new or exciting to pursue the addict will begin the quest to find a new partner. The quest to find a new person is as a much a part of the rush as actually meeting someone. The brain seeks novelty and love and relationship addiction prey on this known fact.
This kind of behavior can quickly spiral out of control. In order to get the same kind of rush a person might start engaging in higher risk behavior or move from one relationship to the other quicker and quicker. The greatest desire of the love and relationship addict is to be close to someone and feel important and needed. However, this is also their greatest fear. These interactions allow the addict to create pseudo-intimacy through intense, highly emotional interactions with another person. They risk very little and get a reward. Underneath this behavior is deep sense of shame and unworthiness. No amount of “new love” can compensate for the actual lack of intimacy and is very isolating to an individual. Therefore, professional intervention is needed in order for a person to heal from their shame and form meaningful relationships in their lives.
At the IRATAD we treat individuals who struggle with love and relationship addictions so that they can gain control of their lives and pursue more deep and meaningful relationships. Treatment for these disorders typically include a combination of individual and group therapy, as well as couples therapy where a significant other is involved.